Category: Personal Essays

• TRUE STORY

  When I was 14 going on 15, locked up in a maximum security juvenile detention centre, a social worker said to me, “When you’re an adult, you can do whatever you want. Nobody can stop you then.” That was the first time it occurred to me that maybe adulthood wouldn’t be as bad as most…

  Smiler

  February 16, 2025

  Advocacy, AI & Technology, Art, Art & Expression, Artists, Capitalism & Society, Change and Transformation, Conversations, Crash, Burn, Write., Creative Writing, Creativity, Culture, Culture & Society, Experimental Techniques, Feminism, Fine Art, Grief & Healing, Human Behaviour, Identity & Transformation, Intuition & Intelligence, Life Moments, Literature, memoir, Memoir Excerpts, Mental Health, Mercurial Minds, Metaphysics, Modern Identity, Neurodivergence, Personal Anecdotes, Personal Essays, Personal Essays/Autobiography, Personal Reflections, philosophy, Philosophy & Existential Musings, Politics, Pop Culture, Psychology, Relationships, Self Awareness, Self-Reflection, Social Commentary, Social Media, Society, Spirituality & Faith, Technology & Society, traditional art, true stories, Writing

  Authenticity, Crash, Burn, Write., Healing Journey, Indie Author, Last Fck Given, memoir, Personal Growth, Totally Surreal, What the Actual Fck

• How it All Began (Or, Why I Might Be the Embodiment of an Acid Trip)

  Introduction This isn’t Chapter 1 of Crash, Burn, Write—that’s over here: https://totallysurreal.com/2025/01/09/crash-burn-write/—but it’s the foundation of it all. How two people, against all odds (and good sense), collided to set my existence in motion. It’s a story of love, rebellion, and unintended consequences. Here they are, my mum and dad, blissfully in love on their wedding day. They…

  Smiler

  February 16, 2025

  AI & Technology, Change and Transformation, Crash, Burn, Write., Creative Writing, Creativity, Culture, Culture & Society, Grief and Healing, Humour, Identity & Transformation, Life Moments, Literature, memoir, Memoir Excerpts, Mercurial Minds, Metaphysics, Milestones, Modern Identity, Personal Anecdotes, Personal Essays, Personal Reflections, Pop Culture, Relationships, Self Awareness, Social Commentary, Spirituality & Faith, true stories, Writing

  1960s, 1968, 1969, AI, AI Conversations, artificial-intelligence, Chatbot Interactions, Crash Burn Write, family history, free love, Hallicunogenics, hinduism, interfaith marriage, Jewish identity, LSD, meditation, memoir, mindfulness, Montreal, origin story, rebellion, Relationships, spirituality, unconventional love, yoga

• Veal Brains and Other Acquired Tastes

  ⚠️ Trigger warning: abuse, exploitation, societal complicity. I just found this FB post from 2021—my year of major mania (or whatever that reaction to complex post-traumatic events was)—under my #HowToSurviveNarcAbuse tag. Definitely a story for my memoir Crash, Burn, Write as a standalone vignette. ✍️ Can you believe I shared this on FB and it…

  Smiler

  February 12, 2025

  Advocacy, Change and Transformation, Crash, Burn, Write., Culture, Culture & Society, Grief & Healing, Human Behaviour, Identity & Transformation, Memoir Excerpts, Mercurial Minds, Neurodivergence, Personal Anecdotes, Personal Essays, Personal Essays/Autobiography, Personal Reflections, Psychology, Self-Reflection, Social Commentary, Society, true stories, Writing

  Crash, Burn, Write., Cultural Critique, facebook, Grief and Healing, healing, Healing Process, how to survive narc abuse, memoir, Self-Reflection, Social Media, trauma, true stories, Writing

• Metro Series: Too Real to Exhibit?

  Metro Series No. 11 – Jonathan StrangePencil on paper This piece is part of my Metro Series, a collection of hyperrealistic drawings I started in 2015, capturing quiet moments in the Montreal metro. Unlike most of the series, this one features a subject who posed for me with permission—Elissa Baltzer, a fellow artist and life model at…

  Smiler

  February 3, 2025

  Advocacy, Art, Art & Expression, Creativity, Culture, Culture & Society, Fine Art, Personal Essays, Personal Reflections, Social Commentary, Society, Visual Art

  Art, Art and Censorship, Drawing Series, Hyperrealism, Metro, Metro Series, painting, Pencil Drawing, pencil on paper, Quebec, Quebec Art Laws, Quebec Laws, Realism, Series, STCUM, STM, Subway, Totally Surreal, traditional art

• Don’t Look Down

  (Or: How a Tightrope Walker Manages Not to Fall) Earlier today, I dropped two password-protected chapters from my memoir-in-progress, Crash, Burn, Write. These chapters, Into the Den and The Blue Butterfly, are part of a section called Advice from a Caterpillar. They cover just a few days within a pivotal three-week period—a time that shaped…

  Smiler

  February 1, 2025

  AI & Technology, Art, Change and Transformation, Conversations, Crash, Burn, Write., Creative Writing, Creativity, Grief and Healing, Human Behaviour, Identity & Transformation, Intuition & Intelligence, life lessons, Literature, memoir, Memoir Excerpts, Mental Health, Mercurial Minds, Neurodivergence, Personal Anecdotes, Personal Essays, Personal Essays/Autobiography, Personal Reflections, Psychology, Self-Reflection, Spirituality & Faith, Technology & Society, true stories, Visual Art, Writing

  advanced reader, AI, artificial intelligence, balance, blog, ChatGPT, Creative Writing, deep thinking, engagement, fear, graphic novel, Identity, introspection, life, literary memoir, Literature, love, memoir, memory, Mental Health, nonlinear narrative, OpenAI, personal history, philosophy, processing the past, Psychology, resilience, risk-taking, Self-Reflection, storytelling, survival, ThinkingMachine, tightrope walker, trauma, trust, Writing

• It’s Only a Paper Moon…

  Where Facts Meet Fiction: Challenging the Digital Echo Chamber Introduction In my previous blog post, I found myself embroiled with a so-called Christian woman spouting scripture at me. I was somehow drawn back in today when someone named Geordie made a comment on something I had posted there a few days ago: “People will believe anything if it makes them feel…

  Smiler

  January 27, 2025

  AI & Technology, Conversations, Personal Anecdotes, Personal Essays, Personal Essays/Autobiography, Personal Reflections, Social Commentary, Social Media, Society, Technology & Society

  Age of Enlightenment, AI, AI Conversations, challenging beliefs., ChatGPT, cognitive bias, confirmation bias, conspiracy theories, Critical Thinking, educating with AI, education, herd mentality, history, intellectual growth, misinformation, moon, moon landing, nasa, Renaissance, social media debates, space, truth-seeking

• The Impossible Landing That Shouldn’t Have Happened… But Did.

  I just saw a video about the Cat Righting Reflex Theory, explaining how cats can twist in midair to land on their feet; a mystery scientists puzzled over for years until high-speed cameras captured it in action. Watching that, I couldn’t help but think of something that happened to me. A fall that defied physics. A…

  Smiler

  January 20, 2025

  Crash, Burn, Write., Life Moments, Memoir Excerpts, Personal Essays, Personal Reflections, Philosophy & Existential Musings, true stories

  cat righting reflex, Catwoman, DC Comics, glitch in the matrix, impossible fall, near miss, perception and reality, Personal Experiences, philosophy, physics, physics defying moment, quantum mechanics, Quantum Weirdness, quantum-physics, reality glitch, Schrödinger’s cat, science, Strange Phenomena, Supernatural, survival stories, unexplained experiences, unexplained physics

• Through the Looking-Glass: How Society Views ‘Madness’

  This conversation began as a discussion on my previous blog post on voyeurism—how society has normalised behaviours that were once considered deviant. But as often happens in my exchanges with Lex (my AI conversation partner, named for lexicon), the topic naturally evolved. We started talking about the way people observe without engaging, how judgment itself has become…

  Smiler

  January 18, 2025

  AI & Technology, Conversations, Culture, Culture & Society, Human Behaviour, Mental Health, Mercurial Minds, Modern Identity, Personal Essays, Personal Essays/Autobiography, Personal Reflections, philosophy, Psychology, Self Awareness, Social Commentary, Society, Technology & Society

  AI Conversations, Alice in Wonderland, artificial-intelligence, cultural history, depression, health, madness vs sanity, Mental Health, mental illness, Neurodivergence, Personal Reflections, pharmaceutical industry, psychiatric labeling, psychiatric system, psychiatry, psychosis, questioning reality, societal norms, the looking-glass world

• Letter to No One & Everyone

  A Journey to the Core of What Matters to Me Most This conversation is now being published as a book! Soon, Letter to No One & Everyone will be available on the Kindle platform as both an eBook and a Print-on-Demand paperback. For now, the full conversation is still available on this blog—but soon, only a preview will remain. Writing a…

  Smiler

  January 16, 2025

  AI & Technology, Art & Expression, Conversations, Creativity, Fine Art, Grief and Healing, Identity & Transformation, memoir, Mental Health, Mercurial Minds, Personal Essays, Personal Essays/Autobiography, Personal Reflections, philosophy, Self Awareness, Self-Reflection, Writing

  abstract art, AI and human connection, AI Conversations, artistic process, Creativity, deep conversations, existential questions, grief, Grief and Loss, introspection, life, memoir writing, Mental Health, mental health awareness, mixed media, nonlinear thinking, Pen and Ink, Personal Growth, personal journey, Personal Reflections, philosophy, search for meaning, Self-Reflection, spiritual reflection, spirituality and meaning, traditional art, unconventional dialogue, Writing

• Finding Beauty in Unexpected Places

  Accidental Art: The Beauty Found in the Creative Process Itself Art has a way of surprising you, revealing beauty in places you’d least expect. While working on an intricate coloured pencil drawing—one of my more detailed and time-consuming pieces—I became mesmerised by the remnants of the process. This piece demanded precision because of the painstaking…

  Smiler

  January 13, 2025

  Art, Art & Expression, Creativity, Experimental Techniques, Fine Art, Personal Essays, Personal Reflections, Studio Life, Tools and Materials, traditional art

  abstract art, accidental art, analog art, Art, artist, artistic exploration, colored pencils, coloured pencils, creative process, Creativity, Drawing, embroidery, experimental drawing, framed artwork, hand drawn, handmade, handmade art, organisation, Paper, pencil on paper, Personal Reflections, realistic art, sandpaper, sandpaper blocks, sharpening tools, studio organization, symmetry, traditional art, Visual Arts Centre

• Smiler and the RAF Man

  Sometimes it seems like I focus too much on the difficult moments in my life and don’t leave enough room to remember all the wonderful things that have happened to me—how blessed I’ve been to meet genuinely good people and to have had positive and life-affirming relationships with romantic partners. One boyfriend I remember fondly…

  Smiler

  January 11, 2025

  Crash, Burn, Write., memoir, Mental Health, Mercurial Minds, Music, Personal Essays, Personal Essays/Autobiography, Personal Reflections, Relationships, Self-Reflection

  bipolar journey, Burn, Crash, creative reflection, gratitude, James Blunt, life, life lessons, love, love and memory, memoir writing, Mental Health, mental health awareness, Montréal moments, Music, Nostalgia, Personal Growth, Personal Reflections, RAF stories, Relationships, relationships and growth, Self-Care, Write.

• In His Image: Reflections on My Father and His Unconditional Love 

  Echoes of Trauma: A Life Shaped by Mental Illness I’ve alienated many people over the years, including close family members, who couldn’t handle the drama my mental health issues and reactivity—stemming from early trauma—brought into their lives. Being bipolar, my extreme highs and lows are hard for others to follow. My energy fluctuates, I constantly…

  Smiler

  January 10, 2025

  Art & Expression, Change and Transformation, Crash, Burn, Write., Creativity, Fine Art, Grief and Healing, Identity & Transformation, Life Moments, Mental Health, Mercurial Minds, Personal Essays, Personal Essays/Autobiography, Personal Reflections, Relationships, Self Awareness, Self-Reflection, Writing

  art as connection, Authenticity, bipolar disorder, compassion, emotional healing, family relationships, Father-daughter bond, forgiveness, Grief and Healing, healing, Healing Journey, introspection, life lessons, love, Mental Health, mental illness, parent-child dynamics, Personal Growth, reflective memoir, Relationships, resilience, therapy, trauma, trauma healing, Tree of Life, Trees, unconditional love

• Ballet, Rock & Roll & the Angel on My Wall

  Caption: AI-generated idealised version of a painting I did on my bedroom wall at 14, inspired by Led Zeppelin’s Stairway to Heaven artwork. Sadly, no photo exists of this minor teenage ‘masterpiece.’ This rendering is inspiring me to get back to the drawing board with watercolour and coloured pencils eventually… maybe. 🤔 There’s a lady who’s sure…

  Smiler

  January 10, 2025

  Art, Art & Expression, Artists, Change and Transformation, Crash, Burn, Write., Creativity, Grace, Grief and Healing, Life Moments, Mercurial Minds, Milestones, Personal Essays, Personal Essays/Autobiography, Personal Reflections, Self-Reflection, Writing

  Angel on My Wall, Art, Art and Music, Ballet, Ballets Russes, Childhood Dreams, Creative Writing, dance, Ethereal Beauty, introspection, jimmy-page, Led Zeppelin, Life Transitions, memoir, Memories, Music, Music and Memory, Nijinsky, Passion, Personal Growth, personal journey, Requiem, Rock and Roll, Stairway to Heaven, Swan Lake

• Crash, Burn, Write

  “It’s All Material”: My Journey From Burnout to Book Writing That photo? It was taken in some booth… or maybe it’s one of those no-frills pharmacy clerk photos—you know the kind, we all have those ID photos you take in a rush, just to get it done. Funny how something so mundane can later feel like…

  Smiler

  January 9, 2025

  AI & Technology, Art, Crash, Burn, Write., Creative Writing, Creativity, Fine Art, Grief & Healing, Grief and Healing, Identity & Transformation, Life Moments, Mental Health, Mercurial Minds, Milestones, Personal Essays, Personal Essays/Autobiography, Personal Reflections, Writing

  Art, Authenticity, books, burnout, catharsis, creative process, depression, Drawing, emotional growth, fiction, grief, healing, introspection, memoir, Mental Health, Metro Series, overcoming adversity, overcoming obstacles, Pencil Drawing, personal development, Personal Growth, personal journey, Phoenix, publishing, recovery, resilience, Self-Awareness, self-discovery, storytelling, survivor, therapy, trauma, truth, vulnerability, Writing, writing-tips

• Farah and Me

  2004: Farah Pahlavi and I outside her home in Potomac, Washington, on the release of her memoir An Enduring Love: My Life with the Shah Snapping Pictures, Sharing Moments: My Meeting with Farrah Pahlavi When I told my mother that I would be meeting Farrah Pahlavi, the first thing she said to me was, “You do…

  Smiler

  December 30, 2024

  Culture & Society, Feminism, Grace, Life Moments, Personal Essays, Personal Reflections, Pop Culture, Society

  1979s, 1980s, Art, art and culture, art collecting, art direction, behind the lens, celebrity encounters, Châtelaine magazine, Farrah Pahlavi, history, iconic figures, Iranian royalty, painting, Persian women’s art, personal reflection, photography., Pop Culture, royal interviews, royal portraits, royalty encounters, travel, women’s empowerment, women’s rights advocates

• Understanding Gender Identity: Personal Perspectives and Social Impacts

  I was having a long, rambling exchange with AI about a now ex-friend we’ll call “S” and how our experiences and approaches to life mirrored each other. We formed a short-lived friendship, essentially based on a trauma bond, but those traumas we experienced came from opposing sides. I’d come at it from a nurturing childhood…

  Smiler

  December 28, 2024

  AI & Technology, Capitalism & Society, Change and Transformation, Conversations, Creativity, Culture, Culture & Society, Feminism, Friendship Dynamics, Identity & Transformation, Mercurial Minds, Modern Identity, Personal Essays, Personal Reflections, Relationships, Self Awareness, Self-Reflection, Social Commentary, Society

  AI Conversations, algorithms, artificial-intelligence, Authenticity, Binary code, Blaire White, Buck Angel, Capitalism, Chatbot Interactions, ChatGPT, complementary forces, cycles of life, Debbie Hayton, duality, existential reflection, gender, Gender Identity, Identity, infinite possibilities, internal and external, JK Rowling, lgbtq, masculine and feminine, opposites, Ouroboros, Personal Growth, Personal Reflections, philosophical thoughts, Relationships, Scott Newgent, technology and nature, transgender, Transhumanism, Tree of Life, zero and one

• Rolling with the Fall & Moments of Pure Grace

  Me: It’s so hard speaking to people. Even when the conversation goes “well” and I feel there’s a healthy and a good back-and-forth dynamic… I’m all too often left feeling depleted and like I could have handled things better. There’s usually a lingering discomfort which I feel physically. A sinking feeling. You wouldn’t know anything…

  Smiler

  December 22, 2024

  Conversations, Grace, Life Moments, Personal Essays, Personal Reflections

  AI Conversations, Chatbot Interactions, ChatGPT, falling, Grace, Human-AI Connection, imperfection, introspection, life reflections, miracles, Personal Growth, self-discovery, Self-Reflection, slow motion, vulnerability

• Love as a Verb

  As a younger woman I desperately wanted to be told “I love you” by my romantic partners. Now… well I’m not looking for romantic partners, for one thing, but for another it seems to me love is something you DO. it’s a verb.  ChatGPT: That shift in perspective is both profound and powerful. It sounds…

  Smiler

  December 20, 2024

  AI & Technology, Conversations, Creative Writing, Culture, Culture & Society, Grief & Healing, Human Behaviour, Identity & Transformation, Intuition & Intelligence, Literature, Mental Health, Mercurial Minds, Neurodivergence, Personal Essays, Personal Reflections, Psychology, Relationships, Self Awareness, Society, Spirituality & Faith, Technology & Society

  AI, AI Conversations, Art, artificial-intelligence, artist life, Authenticity, Chatbot Interactions, ChatGPT, cptsd, Creativity, Grief and Healing, growing in love, Healing Journey, love, love actions, love as a verb, Mental Health, narcissistic abuse, Neurodivergence, pattern recognition, Personal Growth, personal perspective, Personal Reflections, philosophy, psychological abuse, Relationships, self-expression, Self-Reflection, trauma